Sunday, August 21, 2011

Not guilty

You may not judge me, but that's okay, because I judge me enough for the both of us.

I carry around with me a tremendous amount of guilt for working outside the home and leaving Bradley at daycare every weekday.  The pangs of guilt hit me every single morning when I drop him off, and every afternoon when I rush in to see him.  But as a single parent, I just don't have that luxury of staying home with him anymore.

I walk in embarrassment and shame of being a divorced, single parent.  When I meet someone new, and it comes up in conversation that I have a 3 year old son, I instinctively hide my left hand, especially at church, lest they find out I have a kid, but (gasp!) I'm not married.  Why?  There are enough divorced people in the world that I'm sure people don't bat an eye at my bare left hand, but for some reason, I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks as I have that uncomfortable conversation in my head where I assume I know what this new acquaintance must be thinking.

For over a year I have been judging myself harshly for these two offenses, and there are many more counts I have against myself as well.

So that's why something Mike said this morning in church really struck a chord with me.  He summoned up the image of a courtroom, when he remarked to a friend years ago how he always felt like he was on trial in his head, constantly beating himself up for his failures.  God was there, sitting as the almighty judge, and there was the prosecutor, exposing every sin in accurate, truthful detail to the judge.  This friend of Mike's reminded him that it was unconstitutional to be on trial with no representation, and that he in fact, did have a defender sitting at his table.  That defender is Jesus, and he intercedes with God on our behalf.

It was such a refreshing reminder, because I too have Jesus sitting at my table, and you do too, if you allow Him to.  I wish I understood why it was so easy to preach God's grace to others, but being unable to accept that free gift myself.  I guess I just need to remember that for all those crimes I commit, someone greater than I, with the authority to do so, has already served the sentence, bailed me out, paid the price- whatever metaphor you want to use, and my record has been expunged in the eyes of the judge.  I have been declared "not guilty."  Who am I to argue with that?

2 comments:

Kim and Josh said...

Love this... so true! We are our own worst enemies sometimes and there is so much FREEDOM in letting it all go and moving forward. This is such a good reminder for everyone. None of us deserve the grace we experience through Jesus.

Laura said...

You once told me about the power of grace and I have never forgotten your words. I constantly hold onto the thing I have done wrong and can not accept that it is ok and I have been forgiven. In the wise words of Mumford and Sons "That's exactly how this grace thing works"